Up close and personal – A few things I want to share about myself

Fuzz lovers!
This one is going to be a bit of a different one.

I am now looking back at my first 3 weeks as a 36 years old!
Since I already shared my experiences with my waves of depression with you, I feel like the things I learned over the last few years belong here just as much.
I am absolutely aware that the high and the low in life go hand in hand.
Nothing is always great, however, nothing is also always bad, sad, or horrible either.

Since my 2022 started pretty hectic, which comes down to me starting a new job in January, including having to face a Covid-infection just a few weeks later, I started to reflect again.
I can’t always do that all the time, I need to take time to think things through, especially since I often overthink work-related stuff, which is not as much fun as other things.

So, to keep it as short as possible, but still give you enough insight, here is what I learned, where I made progress, and some things I still have to work on.

I don’t have to say YES just to please others
With that, I don’t only mean meetings with friends and family I am not in the mood for. Or work-related events I used to be too shy to say ‘no’ to when it wasn’t a duty to be a part of it.
I more so mean to say: We all love certain things, we have hobbies, we have celebrity crushes, we love movies and music, and so on.
With that fandoms come into existence, I love to be a part of a fandom, I love to be able to talk to fellow fans about all things our favorites.
I realized throughout the last, let’s say two years, that I found my ultimate boundaries.
I found them, as I faced the fact, that some of my long-time favorites have a completely different few on things in life than I do.
Don’t get me wrong: All of that is absolutely fine, but I couldn’t say ‘yes’ to it anymore to support them. I had to take a step back from these fandoms I mostly grew up in and decided to still be around, to enjoy what they give us.
The emotional level, which often made me feel exhausted because I invested too much, had to be stopped. I felt a weight on my shoulders for something I loved and in my opinion that is not the outcome you want when you spend time with something you love.
I still love it all, but I try to be less emotionally involved in it than I used to be.
So, in case you want to fangirl with me, please do so, I do love it. But on a certain point, I won’t be able to join the bandwagon anymore, because I stopped saying ‘Yes’ just because it is what others want to hear.

I don’t need to fit in
If there is something I realized from an early age then this: I am not made to fit in.
Fact is: I love music my mum’s generation grew up with, I love music, the generation after mine grew up with. I love old fashion movies, I crush on actors which are older or younger than me, I speak my mind and I stand up for myself and I love to wear clothes I am comfortable in.
I always tried to blend in and somehow just get through my kind of chaotic childhood and teenage years.
However, looking back I can clearly see that my phase of trying to do so by wearing similar clothes – like Miss Sixty or Yes Or No back then as my friends did – was wasted time. As pretty as all those brands were and surely still are…They were never for me.

I stayed quiet when I should have spoken up.
I should have said: I love this movie, I love the music this band created. Instead? I tried to be ‘like everybody else.’ Because everybody else already exists, trying to fit into popular branded clothes and trying to blend in made me feel uncomfortable and invisible too.
It was a short space of time during high school, but oh how much better I felt as I switched back to baggy jeans and comfy hoddies.
Sure, that look wasn’t girly at all, but I felt so much more comfortable.
And once I felt comfortable in my skin again…I spoke up and stood up for myself again too.
By any means: Looking back and knowing, I nearly lost my voice because I wanted to blend in, is the most shocking realization as I am writing this.
I promised myself this won’t ever happen again. And it didn’t. It was and still a process, but I am not sorry.
The ones knowing me, know what they get.
I am not shy about sharing my opinion anymore. This side of my character shone through a few times, paired with some instincts, it saved my mental health a few times in the past.
Of course, it is intimidating, but I honestly rather start a discussion by sharing my opinion, than swallowing it and causing myself a knot in my stomach and a headache.


Sometimes it’s better to let go
Something else I also still have to work on is realizing when it’s better to hold on or to let go.
Just a few years back, I had to cut being in touch with someone in my close surroundings.
It was hard, but it had to be done.
I am tolerant, I’m open, I try not to judge and I love my friends and family.
However, just because I love them doesn’t mean I have to go with everything they do, say or think.
Again – I reached my boundaries – twice back then.
These boundaries had been stretched over a few years. Every single time, I justified holding on to them, because they are friends and family.
But I matter too. In relationships, it’s not always just about one person. It’s at least about two, all the time. It’s not about just one person until that one thinks now she/he has time to listen for 5 minutes, before the attention is back to person no. 1. You know what I mean.

Finally: As I snapped, I snapped.
I cut the contact from one day to the next.
As hard as it was, it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders I didn’t even knew I was carrying.
I suddenly understood the saying: Friendships can be toxic too. Looking back at it, it was.
The moment I let go and decided not to be involved in this very hard-to-explain situation I found myself in with a so-called friend…my mental health instantly made a chance for the better.
I was able to focus on the good things in life again and I was able to have a good night’s sleep.

It’s the hardest thing I had to do, but I learned and I am still in the process of really understanding it: You can’t help and be there for someone who doesn’t want your help. Who uses your support as a reason to make you feel bad. Because I wanted to help these certain people, I had a push of mental health issues, which could have been prevented, if I had made the cut earlier.

All of this comes from my personal experience.
I know I am not perfect at all and I am nowhere close to my personal goal, which I am dreaming about for what feels like forever… I know, I changed a lot over the last few years and I am thankful for all the lessons, which made me stronger.

While there is the good and the bad, I still wanted to share them with you.

Please check on Fuzzable, where you will find pieces all about my Fuzzable- Team friends and their personal stories too.

Written by Vanessa

I love writing, music, especially concerts and books!
In my spare time you will find me at my favourite bookstore checking on all the new releases, at a coffee shop reading or writing my own little bits and pieces. In that time, I mostly listen to my favourite songs by McFly, 5 Seconds Of Summer, One Direction, Ed Sheeran, Green Day, The Rolling Stones or the Beatles.
And I LOVE to wear something with stripes and polka dots!

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