So, I don’t even know where this is going to end up but I’m going to do this anyway.
Last year, I entered one of the worst patches mentally that I’ve ever been in. I know I put this in my blog that is coming on January 9th but this isn’t all about that. Basically, I cut myself off from the world. I started hating myself, blaming myself for everything that was going wrong for my family and I wanted to just not be here anymore. It seemed easier to just leave the world than to keep living in it with the way things were. But, they always say things get better right? And, I finally believe that they are.
If you’re on Twitter or Tumblr you may have seen the hype around a show called Skam. It’s a Norwegian TV show. Basically, I liked the look of it so I decided to join in the hype. So, I started watching series one and went through to series three. When series three came along, a character named Even was introduced. Him and Isak went through maybe the most up and down love story since Ross and Rachel. I found myself literally holding my breath just waiting for them to get back together sometimes. In episode 8, we found out that Even suffers from Bipolar and I knew it was going to hit home. I don’t have Bipolar but I do suffer from mental illnesses.
Ever since I’ve known about this, I’ve let them take over my life. I won’t let myself push my boundaries or anything. I’ve always tried to keep a strong front, a brave face but inside I’ve been crumbling down. But then I watched series 3 of Skam and watched Even and something clicked. Now, if you know me, you’ll know I watch a lot of TV shows. Like A LOT of TV shows. From so many different genres. But nothing has taught me as much as Skam has. Not only has it taught me that my mental illnesses don’t define who I am, it’s also taught me to love myself. I can’t remember a time where I can say I full loved myself. I’ve always hated myself and hated everything about myself. But now, I don’t. I’m finally starting to see good things within myself.
I feel like the walls that have been crumbling down inside of me for so long are finally repairing themselves. It feels like things truly are looking up. And I know that this might not last forever. In a month or so, I could quite easily relapse. Everything could come crashing down again but now I know that there is somewhere to go. I have this TV show that has taught me so much about myself. I never thought I’d see a day where I didn’t feel anxious about every little thing or that I didn’t sit in college telling myself that everyone hates me. Lately, it’s honestly just felt like everything is hopeless but now it feels like there is light again.
The best part is, not only am I seeing the change, I feel like people around me are too. And I just want to thank Skam for teaching me so many things about myself and that I need to start loving myself. And for helping me save myself because I didn’t think that was possible.