Fuzzable
People still ask me: ‘You still miss him? After all this time?’ I sort of stare at them blankly, with a strange expression on my face. Is that even a question? Of course I still miss you, I’ll never stop missing you.
It’s funny because so many people told me to avoid you – ‘stay away, he’ll leave you with a broken heart.’ I never believed them; I’m always the type of person to take a chance. And my goodness, did I take a chance with you. A huge chance, and here I am, all this time later, the one left looking stupid trying to pick up the broken pieces.
Things happen unexpectedly, and I think meeting you was unexpected. Looking back, if I had known all the hurt and pain this would have caused, I would have left it at hello and walked away. I wish this had never trailed on for as long as it has, and I wish I could say I’m over you.
I miss our private jokes, the fact I could always turn to you with any news – good or bad, and I trusted you with anything. It’s a pity that you felt like you couldn’t trust me, and you had barriers up that I wasn’t good enough to break.
For over a year now I’ve plagued myself with questions. What if I did this differently? What if that hadn’t happened? Would things be different now? All I want is closure and until I receive that closure, I simply can’t move on. And I hope you know what a horrible feeling that is.
I was someone you loved to talk to – but only when it suited you. As soon as something came up, that was you away, whereas if you were talking to me and something came up in my schedule, I would still try and talk to you.
I know I was a burden, and I wasn’t easy to handle, but I think you did a good job. My mood swings were horrific, I would get mad for no reason at all, and you took it all. But when I went through one of the biggest things of my life, where were you? I was expecting something, anything, but I got barely anything. To me, one or two messages during that time isn’t sufficient and doesn’t prove to me that you cared about what I was going through.
I’ll never forget when I found out one of your dirty little secrets and my friend looked at me and said ‘I told you to walk away at the start, and you didn’t listen.’ It almost felt as if she told me I had deserved it. I deserve none of the pain that I’m still facing on a daily basis.
I have tried to stop missing you so many times. And I’ve always held on to the hope that maybe things will get sorted between me and you. But you’ve moved on now and I have to learn to be okay with that, and try to be happy for you. I hope you know that you’ve left all these painful reminders of yourself everywhere I go, I have to walk past one of your favourite shops and I can picture you in there, I walk past places where you’ve been and it pains me.
The saddest thing is that I never got a proper goodbye. And I recently saw this quote, and it said something along the lines of ‘the last time you see someone, you don’t think it’ll be the last time.’ I had all this stuff planned in my head of what I would say, but I thought ‘it’s alright, I’ll tell you next time.’ And here I am, still waiting for a next time. And maybe next time might not come for another while.
I won’t deny, it broke my heart when I found out you had moved away. Even sadder that I had to find out through a mere status. We reached a point where you sending me a simple message to tell me that you were moving somewhere else was too much for you. But don’t worry about me, I’ll get over it someday.
I barely hear from you anymore, but I want you to know that I hope your doing well. After everything you put me through, I won’t be bitter. I just want to see you happy, wherever in the world that may be. I hope you do your family proud, I know your working on some secret project, I hope it works out for you. I still check your social media just to make sure your doing okay – that’s the only way I can really stay up-to-date with you.
I’ll stop missing you some day. There are certain times I believe I’m over it and I’m not missing you, but then as soon as I hear something or see something that reminds me of you, I realise I’m still missing you more than ever.
I hope someday this gets sorted once and for all, but until then, I wish you all the success and happiness there is.
