a jumble of thoughts on a thursday evening

I don’t have time to be doing this. I have 2 quizzes, an assignment, and an ungodly amount of math homework, all due tomorrow. If I have any time left after that, I should be writing my monthly recap article on CelebMix. More importantly, even after all that, I need to sort my life out. This is close to the last thing I should be doing right now. So is eating a slice of cold pizza right after dinner. But guess what? I’m doing both.

Like I said in my February Fuzzable Blog, I’ve been going through a weird time recently. Everything just seems different. I feel like I’m at a point where certain things in my life need to change, but I can’t bring myself to do so. I’m confused. Welcome to adolescence, I guess. I thought you had to be at least in your mid-twenties to have a life crisis, but I think I’m having one now. I’m just not sure about anything anymore. I don’t know if I’m happy where I am in life, or if I’m just going through the motions.

Sometimes, I just feel numb and indifferent. I’m fine going through my daily routine. I block out most of my emotions and just get things done. Or, I feel unmotivated to do anything worthwhile. Other times, I have a bit of a breakdown. I don’t have confidence in my ability to do anything right. The storms of frustration and confusion come flooding in, and I have to try my best to stay afloat.

I’m unsatisfied with the school work I do. Even though I’ve always made it my first priority, I’m mad at myself for simultaneously putting in too much effort and feeling like I’m not putting in enough. For the first time, I’m struggling to keep on top of everything. Lots of homework and my chronic procrastination are not a good combination. Relatable jokes aside, doing my work at the last minute never leaves me with a good feeling, yet I often find myself doing it anyways. I hate that I can’t seem to change this habit, no matter how much I try.

I’m unsatisfied with how I’m growing up. I feel like I haven’t experienced anything. I’m trapped in my small town and I have nowhere to go. Even so, I don’t spend my time doing anything noteworthy. I’ll say I want to read a book, or pick up a new hobby, but I’ll spend hours on Twitter instead. I just feel like there’s so much possibility, so many opportunities I want to take, and I’m just going around in the same circle every day.

And then there’s the social part of life. I don’t want to go into it now. It’s a whole other blog in itself. One that I’m not sure will ever see the light of day. As with all the other stuff, I’m just unsure about everything. I hate how I let people slip away.

That’s not all. There’s a spiral of thoughts constantly churning in my mind. These are just the ones I felt like writing down right now. I don’t know what this post is. How ironic. Anyways, it’s Thursday night. My plan is to get through the next day and spend the weekend trying to sort my life out. Or at least sort my feelings out.

I needed to write this. Even though I haven’t figured anything out, I feel so much calmer. I know I keep going on about how much I love to write, but it’s because it honestly might be the only thing I’m completely sure about in my life right now. This definitely isn’t the best thing I’ve ever posted. I might even delete it later. But I did it right now for my sanity, and I feel good about that.

I’ll be posting again soon, and hopefully I’ll be doing a little better. If you got this far, thank you for listening to this jumbled spew of thoughts I had this Thursday evening. I really appreciate it.

Written by Annemarie

Canadian arts & culture writer and journalism student.

Writer’s block? Read this now

Fuzzable Blogs: March 3 – Subconscious New Years Resolutions