This question happens all the time. Who are you? What do you do? What do you like? Constant questions that drive you insane. I’m 25 and even after all this time, I’m not sure who I really am. Does anyone ever really know?
I’m Lauren, I grew up averagely. I never felt like anything special. Well, that is kind of a lie. I always thought I’d be some big shot. A musician mostly, but never learned an instrument besides have a decent voice. Music was my first love (I blame my mom for going to see INXS when she was 7 months pregnant with me). I thought actress, which pretty much was the dream up until the end of college. I was pretty good at it, just didn’t have the heart for it. I liked writing though, loved it actually, and had a few amazing teachers who made me keep doing it. It kept me decently sane for most of my teenage years. I would intertwine my love of music into stories or poems. Some turned into things I still write while others very quickly went into the trash. Music and writing to this day are still the only things that take me out of my dark places.
Speaking of dark places, that was me as a teenager. I was dark and broody not unlike every teen soap around. I didn’t love high school one bit. It was so cliche and most people thought I was a vampire. (Just think pale skin, red hair, and Twilight was all the rage) I also read a lot. I always had a book in my hand or would scribble down story ideas. People around me thought it was weird but they spent time doing copious amount of drugs and alcohol so to each their own. I did have some great friends that helped me through it but it still isn’t a time I’d like to relive. It taught me a lot though. I became a stronger person because of it. I stopped letting people talk down to me and didn’t let me voice not be heard. And in the wise words of Blair Waldorf “You can’t make people love you, but you can make them fear you.”
College was ten times better, while I don’t love school in general it gave me so much. I got confidence again, found love, ended love, rinse, and repeat. Love does change you and it made me write a lot more and be a lot more. Physiological turmoil aside. It also led me to realize my surroundings weren’t healthy anymore.
I’m a New Yorker, bitter as they come. I used to think I could live here forever. I loved everything about it. The sounds, the people, the food, and most importantly the energy. It was the perfect place for me then everything shifted. The city changed, the places I loved closed, and the people I used to like moved away. I became bitter and realized how stuck I truly was. I didn’t like my job, I had a horrible breakup that haunted me, and I was so depressed and angry. So I did what any insane person does and I basically took a year sabbatical from my life.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 20 so I spent most of the next few years coping with it and figuring myself out. My saving grace in those years were my summer spent in London. It was a dream since I was a child. It also could have been my obsession with British rock stars and the Beatles but who really knows? I knew I had to go. So I did and it changed me so when I thought long and hard where I wanted to run to, London was the obvious answer. Yes, it was scary but what was even scarier how much my life improved there. I did have a few bad sidesteps like locking myself in my apartment for four days when Adele released her new album but other then that it was nothing but happy memories. I pushed myself to do things like travel, make new friends, network, and just enjoy the best that life could offer. It made me learn so much about myself that I can define more then I could ever before. Which leads me to my Who am I? question that has plagued me my whole life.
I am Lauren, a female who hates gender normality. I love dressing in different styles. Some days I want to be Joan Jett other days I want to be Audrey Hepburn. I love animals and my cat is my child. I love music sometimes more then I can bear. I define my life by albums. If I had the money I’d spend it traveling to see my favorite artists. My dream is to be a music journalist. I love to write things that make me question myself. Most importantly, I’m not angry or genuinely sad anymore. I’m pretty sure that who I am right now, but it may change tomorrow.