Goodbye, my almost lover.

When people ask about love, they’ll normally be told about heartbreak. They’ll be told that love is the greatest poison this world has to offer because that’s the truth. Love can set your soul on fire in the most amazing and pleasurable way. Simultaneously, it can kill you without remorse; the world has yet to find something more beautiful than that.

At some point, maybe even many points in your life, you will experience heartbreak. You won’t want to get out of bed, you won’t want to eat and you will lose all of your faith in humanity. I tell you this because it’s something that I recently had the misfortune of going through. Most of my days have gotten better with time, but my bruises remain fairly apparent.

So with that being said, here’s my goodbye to my almost lover:

You come at me with “I’m sorry” and then get mad when I don’t accept it. How can you expect me to believe you’re sorry when it’s one word against a thousand actions? A thousand actions that prove you’re anything BUT sorry.
It’s funny how you always made me out to be the monster you were. For a while, I even believed it. I believed you because I loved you and I thought it would make you stay, but it never did. Now, I’ve finally come to the realization that there was never anything I could do to make you stay. I knew you were bound to leave sooner or later because that’s you – you’re a selfish person who takes but never gives. You use people for all that they are and the second you get everything you need, you walk away without looking back. The worst part of it all is knowing this, and still searching for the good in you. 

I was warned to be on guard but how could I listen to the people who didn’t see you the way I did? They never saw the way your face lit up when you were talking about your future plans, or the way you held me when I was upset. They never saw the way you traced my skin with such grace and they never heard the fear in your voice when you told me you were in love with me for the first time. Remember that night? I couldn’t forget it if I tried. That night made me believe that you were in this for all the right reasons. It made me think that there was a slight chance you had changed into a better man. I know that you haven’t and maybe you never will but I still love you anyway.
Fucked up, isn’t it? That’s what we are. We’re fucked up. And for a while I liked to tell myself our differences would make us stronger but who was I kidding? Our differences are what tear us apart. 

Sometimes I find myself wishing for your happiness. You’re intelligent, hardworking and when need be, you can have a genuine heart. But then there are a few times in between, moments of weakness really, that I feel a surge of anger for how you treated me. I wish you understood what it feels like to be on the other end but you don’t care enough. I don’t think you ever did, and it makes me envious because I always cared too much.
I still do.
I so badly want to ask where it all went wrong and how it became so easy for you to walk away but I know that I won’t get very far. I never do – no matter how many times I plan out different scenarios in my head, I can’t change the way I go speechless when you’re right there in front of me.
I hate that you have that power.

I hate the way my heart is so drawn to someone who can’t treat it with the respect it deserves. I hate the way you know me better than I know myself sometimes, and I hate that I’m not going to be the girl to better you. For years, I thought I was. Everyone told me they’ve never seen you so happy. Were they saying that just to make me feel better? Of course I’d like to believe you were happy, you told me a thousand times over… but I’ll never know the truth for sure. 

At the end of the day, shit happens. I’ve learned that I can’t waste my time holding a grudge over something that wasn’t meant to be. That truth is still hard to swallow but this life is way too sweet and precious to hold on to all that resentment. I don’t want to burn the bridge we fought so hard to build. We have this weird tendency of allowing all the wrongs to outweigh the great we went through together; it was never all bad. Some of my favorite nights were with you, and those are the memories I’m going to keep in my heart.

Before I end this, there’s something I want you to know:

Love doesn’t come knocking on our door that often. So when it does, we have to let it in. No matter how scared we are or how vulnerable we feel, it’s something that cannot be avoided. I know you don’t think you’re worthy of such pleasure but darling, you couldn’t be more wrong.

You’re fully capable of loving someone without the bullshit, I just hope one day you give yourself the opportunity to. 

All my love. Always and forever. x