fuzzable blogs march 16 pessimistically optimistic

Fuzzable Blogs: Turning On The Light

Before you read this, I just want to put in a small disclaimer that this post involves talk of depression and anxiety!

So, hello there, it’s been a while. Over six months in fact and that’s because I’ve been suffering. I always promised myself that over here on these blogs, I’d be as honest as possible when it comes to myself and my mental health in the hopes of helping somebody else who reads them so, as always, this is going to be pretty raw and hard for me to write but, I hope that it just shows people that you aren’t alone and will never be alone.

It was back in January when I started to feel like I could be loosing myself again. I felt the same way that I felt back in 2013 when I was first diagnosed with depression. And, if I’m being honest, that scared me quite a bit because I really thought that I had gotten out of that head space and I really was recovering. Which I was and still am. But, sometimes, unfortunately, relapses happen and that’s okay but as I’m sure you know if you’re in a similar position, they’re scary as heck.

By the start of spring, things just seemed to be getting worse. My brain just didn’t seem to want to work at it, it didn’t want to seem to support me and instead, told me that everybody in my life absolutely hated me and that I’d never feel okay again. I began to shut myself off from people, even the people that I love and trust the most in the world. I really thought they hated me and wanted me not to bother them at all. So, I turned to other things, I shut myself in my room and just read my books and played my video games without really talking to anyone. Sometimes, I’d just lie awake at night so numb to everything, that I didn’t even realise I was awake until five in the morning.

When life takes those kinds of turns, it’s really hard to try and pull yourself out of them so, I didn’t. I pretended I was absolutely fine and didn’t tell anybody that anything was wrong until I went to the doctors to get my antidepressants filled. When I was there, I had a complete breakdown and my doctor suggested maybe I try to go to therapy again and up the dose of my antidepressants. Around the same time, my family and I decided that we were going to look at maybe moving house which we are still smack bang in the middle of. And, if you didn’t know, moving house is probably one of the most stressful things you can do so my life became even more stressful and when I’m stressed, that’s when my anxiety really comes up to bite me.

Over the last few months, my anxiety has become so intense that the thought of leaving the house has been giving me these intense panic attacks. I’ve been having panic attacks since I was thirteen but these were like nothing I’d ever experienced before, they were fives times more intense than I was used to, I felt like I was truly going to die and I’d just scream at anyone that came near me. Luckily, they’ve stopped being so intense now but they haven’t gone away.

However, whilst this has all been going on, I’ve rediscovered an absolute love for Anime again thanks to one of my absolute best friends. I know anime is one of those things that people either love or hate but I am firmly on the side of loving it. When I was a teenager, I used to watch anime all of the time but people used to make fun of me so, I stopped but, this year I’ve just fallen in love with it again. And, I was introduced to this anime called Fruits Basket. Now, Fruits Basket is a delightful anime about this girl called Tohru Honda who’s just lost her mother and meets a family called the Sohma family comprising of people who have the zodiac animal spirits inside of them and every time they’re hugged by someone of the opposite sex, they turn into their animal. It’s just such an incredible anime that helped me so much in my life and really motivated me to start helping myself again.

Depression truly is such a scary thing to suffer from. Some days, it’s fine, everything feels okay, I’m smiling and laughing without even thinking about it. I can get a normal amount of sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. But then, sometimes, depression decides that you’re not going to be okay. I’ll wake up and not even want to get up to go to the toilet. I won’t eat or drink for a day or a couple days. I won’t let myself talk to anyone, I’ll just lay in my bed and either be too numb to cry or cry my day away. Depression really is not an easy thing to suffer with; you have to take everyday as it comes and that’s what I’m doing now.

So, where am I now?

I’m about to go into my second year of university which I’m very excited about because it helps me a lot having routine in my life. I’m still in the middle of moving house but we’ll hopefully be in the new place by the end of September. I’m actually now going to group and individual therapy which has been really helping me. Still playing my video games, reading my books and watching anime. I’ve also started to let people in again and not shut all of my emotions away in myself. So, everything has started to look up thankfully.

2019 has been one of the worst years of my life in terms of my mental health. It’s been so scary and so eye opening for me to have such a massive relapse in my life but I also feel like things really could be on the way up for me and maybe, I’ll be able to turn my light back on after all.

If you or your closed ones are going through depression or other mental health related issue(s), please know that you are not alone. Reach out for therapy, contact hotlines, and connect with people you can trust. We are rooting for you!

Written by chloe

Hi, I'm Chloe, just in case you wanted to know.

I love reading a lot and also listening to music, no, I'm not sure which one I love most. I'm also really into Marvel movies and Star Wars. And, my favourite thing in the world is Kingdom Hearts!

You can also find me over on Twitter @biroxas!

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