Warning: this is going to be a very long blog about some very bad days for me. It’s almost 1500 words, most of them being set in a bad mood, so if you don’t want to read it, I won’t know. I write these things without thinking about who will read them and if anyone will like them, I don’t think about “decorating” it and making it sound special. I write these for me. Kinda therapeutic. This is a raw blog. It’s my train of thought and where it took me. Turns out, it took me a lot of places. It took me to the parts of my mind that I don’t go to and the parts that I never knew existed. So with that, I leave you with a choice- leave now if it’s too much, skim through it to get the essence of it, or just close the entire tab right now. The choice is yours.
“Life is filled with ups and downs”
I wanted to talk about this, because my month has been a bit all over the place. There were bad days, and then there were good days. Most of the time it felt like the bad outweighed the good, but if I were to look at it from a different perspective, it was pretty balanced.
It’s just my train of thought, or more precisely- where I allow it to go. And I let it steer off into a bad direction somewhere at the end of April. It all happened the day my latest monthly blog was published. I wrote up my blog the day earlier (April 23rd) and I was in an amazing mood because of the blog and because I had gotten so many new books. I had scheduled it to go out on April 24th and thinking back on it now, that was a good coincidence. Because on April 24th, I had a bit of a breakdown.
It was because of a test. I had been studying and preparing for the said test for a long time, I came in pretty confident and more sure of myself than the first time I took it. After all, I had been confident enough to not pick up the book the night before the test, which I’ve never done before. I came to university that day, and I knew the answers to everything that my friends had asked me. I felt prepared.
Then I failed.
Okay, stop. No, I’m lying. Or rather, I didn’t sum it up well. Gosh, this is hard to explain.
The week before the said test I wasn’t feeling so good either. I failed a few tests then too, and I personally find the tests irrelevant, but it still made me feel bad and stupid. I had managed to put on a brave face and smile and convince everyone (including myself) that I was fine. But I think that deep down, I wasn’t fine at all, and I knew it.
Now, I don’t remember what else happened that week that made me feel so bad, but I remember feeling like things have just been piling up more and more. So the full raw truth is that the final test wasn’t actually the reason I broke down, but it had been the final tipping point. The drop of water that made the glass overflow. The single breath of air that popped the balloon. The one domino that knocked the whole bunch down.
Since I’m always 100% honest in these blogs, I’m going to be honest once again and say that I don’t even remember what had happened the next few days. I don’t remember feeling sad, but I also don’t remember feeling happy. I just remember that empty, hollow feeling I had on April 24th. The next few days are suck somewhere in a haze inside my mind.
I deactivated my Facebook account that week. Which may not sound like a big deal, but being on Facebook made me happy, as distracting as it was. I had built up this amazing world there where I could express my opinion as often as I wanted to and where I interacted with my friends that were all over the globe. It’s a safe haven. And in a foolish act of recklessness, I had taken that away from myself as well.
I’m not a person who will openly say that I’m not okay. Why? I have no idea.
And I’m not a person who will show, whether directly or indirectly, that I am not okay. I’m the person that is always all-smiles in public. Sometimes they’re real, sometimes they’re not. But it’s just always smiles, and I often feel like people expect me to smile and be in a good mood. Which I have no problem with, to be honest, but I hate it when I come back to my apartment and just feel empty the rest of the day.
On April 24th, I wanted to reach out to some people. Actually, I wanted to reach out to a lot of people.
First I wanted to post something about my situation on my Facebook profile.
But I didn’t.
Then I wanted to call my family and talk about anything.
But I didn’t.
Then I thought of some friends that I could talk to in private.
But I didn’t.
Then I opened a chat bubble on Messenger for three or four of my friends.
And I just stared at them a long time before I closed them again.
It’s weird. It’s weird because I’m usually never afraid of making the first move. I’m the person that will randomly message you with something funny that had happened. I’m the person that will tell you I’ve been thinking of you because of a song that I’ve heard that reminded me of you. I’m the person that will send you six new messages before you reply to the first one. I’m the person that will write long paragraphs about something completely irrelevant. I’m the person that will message you at 3 in the morning saying that I’ve just finished a book, and that I now want you to go through the same pain I’ve went thought wile reading it.
I’m a talkative person, except for when it’s time to talk about me and my bad thoughts.
Why? Because I feel like I’m annoying you. And I feel bad for it. I know you’re going though your own problems and that you don’t need a 300 word essay on why I felt bad that day that I failed a test. And I know you’ll comfort me, but to me it will always feel like you’re comforting me because you feel the urge to do so. It’s in your nature. It’s human nature. And I’m your friend. And you’ll feel bad yourself if you don’t comfort me, but I feel like somewhere deep inside you feel like I’m annoying you. And I don’t want to annoy you. I don’t want to lose you.
Because people tend to dump the friends that annoy them, right? It’s a shitty thing that people do, isn’t it? And yet we’ve all done it. And I’ve done it. And now I feel bad again.
Gosh, I didn’t even know I had this much to say about this situation.
I’ll let you in on a little secret- I know I’m annoying you with these 1080+ words right about now. And I know that there aren’t many people even reading this blog. And if you’ve made it this far, I have to congratulate you. Hell, I wouldn’t have even read it this far.
Want to know another secret? The original title of this blog was “Good days and bad days”. Because I’ve been planning on writing about my bad days first, and then I’d write about the good ones that followed. But plans changed along the way and I felt sad writing this, so I didn’t want to force some fake positivity. If I were to write about the good things now, I would need another 1080+ words, since I like to balance things out.
I don’t think I’ll be doing that. Well, at least not the 1080+ words. But I will tell you that, for me at least, things always get better.
There are bad days, but there genuinely are good days as well. Today was a good day. Today I passed an exam, had a nice time with my crush, found out that the cat that lives in my building has at least three kittens, Michael and Sara from Prison Break are about to reunite, and I watched some good new shows. It’s nothing newsworthy, but I feel like these simple things are here to remind us that good days do indeed exist. Of course, I had the idea for the article and writing about the bad stuff made me steer into another direction, but reminding myself of all the good things that have happened today kinda make me feel more at ease. After I finish this article, I’ll watch the latest episodes of my favourite shows just to make me feel good again, and quite honestly- to make me forget about this blog.
I’m a strong believer in the fact that it is our mind which controls how good or bad our day has been. It’s something that I can control a little bit, but only if I want to. Truth be spoken, sometimes I genuinely do let myself feel bad for an entire day. I don’t know why I do it, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I need to not be okay every once in a while. Sometime so just want to be sad and empty, so I allow that to myself. Does that make sense?
I’ll end it here. I think I’ve written most of what I’ve wanted to say. Perhaps my next blog will be about the good days. They’re there, I’m just not in the mindset to write about them now. And if I don’t feel like writing about it next month, I won’t force it. We’ll see. In the meantime, you’ll find me on my Twitter account, but make sure you follow Fuzzable too!