Feeling things was what I wanted.
To think that a problem could easily be fixed was a mistake. Life is here to set you in your place. Whatever you dreamt about, reality will make sure to slap you right in the face until you knew- you messed up. It’s as simple as that.
When people tell you not to run from your problems, LISTEN.
Writing Feelings was definitely easier than what we have right now. The tension and problem were there and my heart was spilling. Now? I’m not exactly sure what I should be telling you. Obviously, when there’s a climax to the story, there’s also the downfall, but how interesting can the downfall get?
The Juicy Stuff
So, it is safe to say that the girl and I are no longer friends. You don’t even understand how wonderful it is to say that and not feel guilty at all. It’s as if the weights on my shoulders have been lifted and I’m a step closer to being myself again.
It’s not that she did so much to hurt me that I’m glad to get out of an unhealthy friendship but I knew right when my mind was forming a toxic perspective, I had to do something to change and this was my something.
She was and still is probably a great person and the time I had with her were good, but I knew in my heart she wasn’t going to be someone permanent in my life. Our friendship and time were only meant to fill a certain slot in my life. Though I feel as if she benefitted more within the friendship as I mostly helped her throughout her rough times, nothing was really there for me. She didn’t make me happier or worse- well not until the end, but yeah, things were just meant to go with the flow.
As of now, I don’t think if there is exactly much for me to say other than he knew. All those times I let myself suffer so much, he was there and acted clueless, hoping I believed that he was trying to help. I believed.
Knowing now that he knew, wasn’t surprising to me but it was more hurtful than ever. I’ve told him that I wanted to distance myself from the girl and he played along, continuously telling me to just talk to her when it’s most likely that he knew exactly why I was trying to avoid her. The things he was telling me was generic, much easier said than done and it just felt like an insult.
I have told one of my super close friend about this situation and she was furious, calling it a “dick move.” To be fair, she was right. I just feel like the whole situation was totally something to be mocked about. I don’t know, I didn’t like knowing he knew and didn’t approach me about it. It sucks even today because we haven’t actually talked about it. A mutual friend was kind of the one to “release” the information.
Anyways, here is what I’ve learned with the things that have gone down.
It’s almost as simple as that and I know it’s something easier said than done but realizing some self-love will help you so much. It can make your beautiful colours come back to life and it opens this new door of opportunities to find yourself even more.
With what happened, I was scared and concerned about my own health. I didn’t eat that much, constantly wanting to throw up, feeling like I’m on the verge of crying every half an hour. It was not something you would want to see at all. Not for your friends, family, yourself or anyone.
When I knew that I got to that point, I dropped everything to try to look out for myself. I completely stopped talking to my friend, trying to give myself space, avoided the boy because I felt like talking to him never made the situation better.
Everything was happening and that’s when I knew, it was enough. Why would I go through all this mess and pain for a friend who seems like she didn’t fully care about my feelings and a boy who didn’t bring any joy in my life anymore? That’s when I stopped. I had to. Thinking of him just didn’t feel special anymore. Liking him felt like I was holding onto nothing. He was kind of like water, you knew he was there but you can’t properly hold him.
The moment I knew my feelings were all gone was actually when I listened to Into You by Ariana Grande. I used to think about him all the time when I hear that song and it would make me smile like crazy because I just felt like everything reminded me of him. Though as I listened to that song again and even now, nothing was there. It was just another song I loved and that was it. It felt great, I felt great.
Now dealing with her was another story. I didn’t want to approach the situation anymore because I felt like it was going in circles but I would always find myself talking about it, which wasn’t good. My friends would tell me to talk things out, maybe the friendship is still fixable but it felt like that part of my life is already down a grave, ready to just move on. I didn’t push myself to do anything.
But it was the same thing everyday, she would always come up in my conversations and I was getting tired of it. For the longest time, I really did want her to be the first person to message me about the situation to test out whatever we had left but I knew I wasn’t going to get anything I was expecting. I decided that it was my turn to take actions and I did.
We ended up clearing things out and although they are not entirely smooth, it is going in the right direction.
I want to believe that this is it for the story and my situation. I don’t want to deal with it anymore but who knows what the future has for me.
Throughout it all, I learned to love myself and be very independent. I know for a fact that I can go on with my family and myself just fine because those are the most important people I have. Although you may love your friends now, they come and go but family sticks together even when rough times occur. I know I’ve said it before but I just want to empathize how crucial it is that you know there’s love around you even from yourself.
It’s a new year, filled with new adventures ahead. Learn from everything and make the most of it.
Feeling things was not what I expected.