As I’m writing this, I am trying to block out the thought of starting on my next Uni paper. I’m also trying to distract myself from actually having to write this by rewatching old Glee episodes. Why? Because I am having the worst writer’s block of my life. This month’s post isn’t going to be some powerful, emotional piece because frankly; nothing inspiring has happened to me so far this year.
So far, January has come and gone and for me, that means the start of a brand new semester. January was filled with exams, waiting, procrastinating (sensing a theme here?) for said exams. I also had minor leg surgery that had me unable to walk for a few days. Most of the time, though, I was just waiting for my annual depression to hit me. Although I’ve technically been “treated“, I was still expecting it to affect me somehow because let’s get real; just because I’ve gone to therapy and taken some light medication (just stopped – YAY!) for over a year doesn’t mean that I’m perfectly fine. With it being a new year, winter, and exam (+award) season, I’m more on edge than usual.
I think the fear of having a minor relapse affected me more than the anxiety over everything else. Knowing that I don’t have any medication or a weekly appointment with a shrink to rely on made me think that I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I had a breakdown. I didn’t, however. It wasn’t an easy month. And there were definitely days where I didn’t get out of bed because I didn’t see a reason to. But I got through it and that gives me hope. I am not where I was a year or two ago because I wanted to get better and I got help.
We’re already almost a week into February – isn’t that crazy? On one hand, it seems like January has been the longest month in the world. On the other, it went by so quickly without me even noticing it. As I mentioned earlier I just started a new semester. For some reason, everything seems 10 times harder, yet I only feel half as motivated, It’s probably because I haven’t been in class since December, but on some days I just want to drop out and travel the world. I know it’s not realistic, and it would probably also be really dumb, but I still think about it nonetheless. I would never actually do, though. I need my degree and I genuinely like my education, I just need more time to settle into my new routines.
Lastly, I need to mention that my little sister turns 20 on Friday, which is the craziest thing in the world. As of Friday, neither of us are teenagers anymore. It sort of makes me sad to know that. One day, we’re probably living two completely separate lives with our new families – how weird is that? We’re only a bit over a year apart in age, so we’ve always been extremely close, almost twin-like even. I’m very attached to my family and we’re pretty much co-dependent on each other. Although I don’t live at home anymore, I still facetime all of them several times a day because I need them. Is that sad? If it is then I don’t really care.
Right now, I’m as close to happy as I can be and I am so incredibly grateful for everything in my life. This post turned out way more sappy than I intended – SORRY!
Like always, please remember to show me some love because I need validation.