Katrina
Welcome back to my turn on Fuzzable Blogs. As I mentioned in my previous post, it’s highly likely that some of my future posts will include talking about my current quarter life crisis. As it happens, that is exactly what I want to ramble about today.
Last September, I turned 25 years old. A quarter of a century worth of life. The beginning of my dreaded quarter life crisis. The official definition of a quarter life crisis is “a period of life ranging from twenties to thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult.” However, mine began in the run up to turning 25.
Now, I’ve never been one to stress about my age or how I live my life, however, turning 25 flicked a switch in my brain which made me start to question EVERYTHING. There’s something about reaching your mid-twenties which makes you feel like an absolute failure if: you’re not in your dream job/you’re not married with kids/you don’t own a house (delete as applicable…who am I kidding, all apply).
A few weeks ago, I caught up with my best friend of six years, who I met during my time at University. As usual, we went for a meal and had a long old chat about working life, relationships and everything in between. Our chat spurred me on to try and put my thoughts into words, so here goes…
To get a wider picture of my life, I’m a 25 year old graduate, with a first class degree in Business and Management. Before I graduated, I wanted to work in marketing. In reality, I have been working as a charity shop manager for the past three years, a role which didn’t require the degree that I have. I am now 100% sure that I want to be a celebrity journalist. I live at home with my mum in West Wales. I am as single as you can possibly get, in fact, a doormat gets more action than I do. My main hobby in life is travelling the country and beyond, going to as many gigs as physically possible
99% of the time, I feel like I’ve achieved nothing in my life.
My work situation gets me down, especially when I see what others have achieved in terms of their career. I’m stuck in a rut between being in a job I don’t want to be in, and having a dream but fearing that I’m too old, too scared and not good enough to achieve it. After I graduated, I wanted to work in marketing but I was turned down time and time again due to “lack of experience”. In January 2014, I got a job as a charity shop manager, where I still work to this day. Whilst there are positives to working there, such as a wonderful team of volunteers and raising funds to help improve the lives of children, young parents and families in my local community, it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. In September 2015, I discovered CelebMix, which truly changed my whole outlook in terms of a career. After writing for them for a few months, I just knew in my heart that it was something I wanted to do forever, on a full time basis.
At 25, I don’t feel in control of my working life, and I’m tired of being judged for not already being in the position that I want to be in. There’s been countless times when I’ve bumped into someone I know and they ask me what I’m up to work wise. I absolutely hate that question. I tell them I manage a charity shop, I get a pity look in return, as if working for a good cause isn’t good enough. I then tell them that I also write voluntarily for a celebrity news site, and the looks are even more pitiful. You know the look, “oh that Katrina has been chasing boybands for years and now she thinks she’s going to write about celebrities for a living, what a pathetic little pipe dream”. That kind of look.
It stresses me out that a lot of my peers are already doing big things, some having snapped up their dream jobs, whereas I’ve not long come to the conclusion what I actually want to do career wise. Am I even capable of being a celeb journo? I love to write and I’m passionate about doing so, but passion doesn’t equate to talent. Am I tough enough to break into that industry? Am I wasting the entirety of my spare time on this “crazy pipe dream”, when I could be focusing on getting a “proper job”?
My relationship status also has a big LOL written all over it. I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was in University, for a number of reasons. I’ve never been someone with a lot of guy mates, nor do I tend to go to places where people stereotypically form connections with potential partners. I’m not beautiful, I’m not pretty, and I’m not cute. Check my little avatar thing at the bottom of this page if you don’t believe me. That pretty much rules out anyone making a move on me in person or on a dating app, the thought of which genuinely makes me want to heave. I can also be annoying af so unless a blind man with the patience of a saint happens to fall at my feet, I guess I’m staying single.
At 25, I feel as if I should be making more of an effort, time is ticking and all that. All around me, former school mates and acquaintances are getting pregnant or getting married, whilst I’m 99% certain I’m going to spend my days as a sad old spinster with a book about boybands to keep me company. Every time I see another engagement or relationship status, a part of me gets upset. I may not be pretty, but I’m loyal, I hope that I’m a kind and loving person, and I love to think that I’m Peter Kay-level hilarious. There’s apparently someone for everyone, so where’s my Prince Charming? Don’t get me wrong, you can skip the babies and marriage bit as far as I’m currently concerned, but it would be nice just to have someone to call my own.
I also still live at home, as I have done throughout my entire life. I’ve never once lived away from home. Mainly due to health problems, I chose to stay local when picking an University to study at. So local in fact, that I can see it from my bedroom window. Living in West Wales puts me almost two hours away from Cardiff, which is the minimum I have to travel in order to get any excitement in my life. Unfortunately, it seems that any worthwhile opportunities are even further away.
At 25, I can’t afford to live away from home. This is partly self-inflicted due to my love of travelling the country to different gigs. People judge my hobby and a lot of the time, I don’t really blame them. I mean, I can see why they would think it’s a bit tragic for a 25 year old to spend her time in this manner, when they’re out drinking with their squad, or being responsible adults with their little families. People expect you to already be settled down with your own home at 25. However, I travel instead to enjoy myself, broaden my horizons and get away from my little West Walian town, so swings and roundabouts and all that.
It bothers me that I’m not in my dream job yet. It bothers me that I’m lonely and loveless. It bothers me that I’m stuck in some little town, whilst there is a whole world out there waiting to be explored. All of these things bother me, but then again, I look at my life and my situation and think, I’m 25. I have so much of my life ahead of me – why am I so worried about everything being in place already?
In terms of my career, nobody is too old to have a dream. If you’re prepared to work hard enough, there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t reach out and grab it. I am so fucking determined to become a celebrity journalist, that it physically hurts sometimes. All I want to do is write about the good in people, spread positivity and talk about what really matters about a celebrity – their craft. I’m not sure how I’m going to get to the position I want to be in, and I still have a long way to go but I have a small but mighty support network who believe in me and support my dreams. So many people such as J.K Rowling, Samuel L. Jackson, Ray Kroc, and Vera Wang achieved their dreams later in life, so why can’t I?
As for being in a relationship – I only yearn to be in one because at 25 it’s expected of me to be in one. As much as I would welcome Prince Charming into my life with open arms when the time’s right, I’m not going to force it to happen. Currently, I enjoy my own company and I’d be a pretty awful girlfriend as I’m focused on achieving my dream. I’m a great believer in fate and things happening for a reason. When the time’s right, and when I least expect it, the blind man with the patience of a saint will come knocking.
As for home life, I might still live at home but doing so is what allows me to be able to travel as much as I do. I definitely wouldn’t be able to afford it right now if I lived elsewhere. Going to gigs has allowed me to make friends and meet people in the strangest of places. I’ve travelled to every corner of the UK, my Tube skills are on a Londoner level, and I’ve started to learn Polish after visiting Poland twice. I’ve gained life experience in the most fun way possible and nobody can change that. Most of all, I’m having a great time. I work hard on a daily basis – so why shouldn’t I enjoy my life? We all know that life is far too short to waste time being unhappy.
The moral of this ramble, I guess, is that everyone grows, develops and achieves at their own pace. Just because you feel that everyone around you is successful, doesn’t mean that you aren’t too. Further still, your time to fully shine like the star that you are is still yet to come.
Whilst I’m still in this in-between stage of my life, people will continue to look down their noses at me. However, what I do with my life is nobody else’s business. I may be in the middle of my quarter life crisis, and I may get upset over things that I sometimes have no control over. However, I am also a determined individual, and I know where I want to be in life. One day, I’ll be able to look back and say a big ‘fuck you’ to those who doubted or judged me. I truly believe that if I continue to work hard, I can achieve my dream and the rest will fall into place.
As a friend of mine once said, “We’re all on the right path in life, some of us are just taking the scenic route.”
