Growing up. It’s something that everyone is excited about when they’re younger but then slowly starts to wish they could undo as they get older. I was the same, when I was younger. I wanted to grow up. The whole thought of growing up and being my own person was so, so exciting. But, now that I’m here and I’m 18 and I’m making all these decisions, sometimes I wish I could go back to being six and carefree again. Life just seems so full of decisions lately. About university, about my future but really, I can hardly make a decision about what I want to eat for dinner each night.
I’ve always thought about my life as a series of what if’s. What if I’d done that? My life would be so different. What if I’d chosen to take photography at Stafford instead of journalism in Lichfield? I wouldn’t know my best friend. And that would be the absolute worst thing ever. What if I’d never got into the music I’m into now? Would I even still be here? Probably not. Growing up and making decisions, it all just happens too fast. I’ve always looked forward to moving on but now it’s here, I’m not.
Even simple things like growing out of a band. I feel like I’ve grown out of bands I used to consider my favourites. All of these things are just building up and now I’m a mess. My education feels like a mess, my future feels like a mess, to be honest, my life feels like a mess. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I don’t know how to cope with being so overwhelmed all of the time. It’s like a huge vicious circle constantly going through my mind. It feels like I’m not the only one going through all of this. I mean, I know I’m not. But, if I’m not then why do I feel so alone? Is it normal?
Sometimes it feels as if I’m drowning. Drowning under the pressure of my life, under the weight of feeling like this. But then, sometimes, it feels like I’m on top of the world. Like I’ve got everything figured out even though I’m far from it. Is this what life is really like? The decisions that I’m surrounded by sometimes make me feel like I’m drowning when really I know that I can make it back up to the surface.
As much as growing up and getting out seems scary, it also seems so wonderful. But, I’m not going to lie, I’m scared; terrified actually. Terrified that I’m about to take the wrong steps. That I’m about to fall down the nearest hole. I’m also excited. Excited to see what the world is about to throw at me. To see what’s next, to see if I’m capable of making the right decisions.
Life is scary sometimes and maybe that’s how we know we’re alive.
So, I’m ready to grow up and get out even if I feel like I’m not ready at all.