ayushi
An open letter might sound both clichéd and cheesy but I found it to be the only way through which I can pay my gratitude to one of my favorite artists.
Suga’s first mixtape “Agust D” came in the year 2016 but I came across it only in the year 2017. Better late than never. Even before listening to his mixtape, my impression of Suga was of a person who has gone through a lot of pain and struggle. His hunger for BTS’ success did not seem like greed; instead, one could sense desperation in his efforts to make things better, for himself and for his boys. He finally succeeded.
MAMA 2016 is one of my favorite BTS’ moments. It showed me a vulnerable side of Min Yoongi, whose efforts along with boys’ finally led to fruition of goals they had been pursuing. His tears were not just of happiness but of exhaustion, he had gone through to achieve the major feat of winning Daesang. In other words, I did not just relate to his happiness but also with his failure and struggle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0gSkSSNkWU
To be honest, I never intended Suga to be my guardian but somehow, he turned out to be the person I started looking up to in the times of personal struggle and dilemma.
Nothing can be as lethal as the person who is a “sensitive” introvert with an overthinking brain.
I started my job in the year 2016 as a marketer and experienced things for which I never prepared myself. Coming out of a safe haven that nurtured me to be a woman who should not succumb to societal pressures no matter how promising the situation seems to be, I soon learned that being righteous is the toughest job. It wasn’t my job at the workplace that made it difficult for me to live through the next day but the surge of mixed emotions I felt every time I saw people around me failing as human beings.
I am not an idealist but I do have perspectives on how a human being should live her or his life. These perspectives are results of constant introspection and correction. So, coming across people who would not even mind killing others for their own sake made me sick to the core. With every passing day, I became overwhelmed and eventually, lost control of myself and my thoughts. I tried overcoming my situation by focusing just on my work. I spent my days and nights working to improve myself but when external happenings started hindering my productivity as a resource, I realized that things have gone far.
Last year, I was living somewhere between life and death. The waves of depression gave me a pessimistic perspective where all my efforts seemed to go to waste. I did not know what I was doing and why. It took a lot of energy to overcome procrastination. I did not have a choice to lie down and let things pass but only I knew how stifling my existence was.
It was during this phase that I discovered Agust D. I won’t lie. The day I read the translated lyrics of “So Far Away”, I ran upstairs to my room and cried vehemently. Why did I cry?
The lines,
It sucks when you don’t have anything you want to do (You don’t have)
I know it’s pathetic to not have something as common as a dream, I know
“You said to do as I’m told, that it would all be fine when I go to university”
I’m the asshole for believing those words
I live because I can’t die
were so relatable that I started quoting them whenever and wherever I could. That day, I wanted to be in front of Suga to tell him how much I had been waiting for someone to say it. I always felt ashamed of my problems because I was doing well academically and professionally. My privileges burdened me with the responsibility that made it difficult to accept that I was not happy. I was losing myself and I could not say it.
BTS has been one of those groups who has lived through the times of struggles so they know it too well to shrug it off as a passing event.
Whenever my anxiety makes it difficult for me to breathe, I actively seek Suga’s words in the song to calm myself down.
But it’s not just “So Far Away” that helped me get through my struggling days. It is Suga’s persona and mindset as a whole that gives me hope that one can be both ambitious and righteous.
Your failure to relate to the majority is not a problem but a trait that makes you different and is something you should be proud of.
I thank Suga to choose Music as his profession and I thank him to be himself when it could have been really easy for him to be someone else for success. I remember a quote shared by a fan of Jimin (though I am not sure if he really said it). He said that you can mess with anyone in the group but Suga. Suga makes you docile. I wholeheartedly agree with him.
Suga did make me docile and considerate. He made me work harder to achieve my dreams and accept myself. If Love Yourself was a concept that aimed towards self-love, I learned to accept my being and work towards my happiness. I won’t say that I am a happy person now but I am learning to accept my thoughts and turn them into something positive.
Thank You, Suga! I will forever be indebted to you for helping me survive. If I ever get a chance, I would want to pay my sincere gratitude to BTS and especially Suga.
As a conclusion, I would repeat what I said on Suga’s Appreciation Day,
https://twitter.com/ayushidelhi1996/status/977422591794335744
Thanks to you, I am learning to love myself and others. I know it won’t be easy but I think it will be worth it.
Your fan and an admirer,
Ayushi
