Perfection is a process that does not have a definite end. Since childhood, I made a regime for myself wherein I would not consider a task complete till I was confident in it.
Somehow, as I grew up, most of the confidence part transitioned from my side to the others. Now, I often rely on other people’s validation to consider a task complete.
Did I do it deliberately? Of course not.
When I first realized that I have an anxiety disorder, I could not believe the level of damage I have done to my self-esteem. I considered trembling and getting frequent nervousness normal. Everyone expects good results when they work hard. Don’t they?
But I did not realize that I was making my whole existence a difficult task. Every time, my teacher or boss would come up with a new project, I would want to run away to a place where no one would be able to see me. I just wanted a corner where I would not be asked to perform a duty or work. A new conversation meant judgemental eyes that would not leave you without passing “she is weird” comment.
When the exams would get over, I would have sweat dripping from my forehead as my parents wait for the results. I was a bright child but I required people to say it so that I could comfort myself.
Even today, when I am at the workplace, I try to get loaded with work so that no one could come and say, you are a liability.
The fact that I might be “useless” dreads me to death. There is a constant fear that I might be asked to leave even when I am working honestly and completing all my tasks on time.
A child’s curiosity is a gift but an urge to perfect the output can turn out to be a curse.
I am trying to cope up with my anxiety. Some days are really bad but some days are stable enough to let go.