Yesterday, I was listening to Jonghyun’s “Before Our Spring” and BTS’ “Spring Day” and as each song ended, tears started rolling down my eyes. The dichotomy between winter and spring and their use as metaphors to describe phases in a relationship made me think of my year in terms of bonding.
They say, as you grow, the number of friends declines. But the reason for distance can be highly subjective.
If I take my own life as an instance, I have never been able to figure how people manage to come into my life and why do they leave.
I don’t burden people with obligation but considering that I am actually someone who will always be loyal to people who matters to me the most, I definitely deserve a reason.
Professionally, 2017 brought some amazing opportunities. But mentally, it was the year when I finally hit the rock bottom. An anxiety disorder that I had been managing on my own for years, came forth when I started crying in front of my leads and boss. At that moment, I wanted to die.
This is the closest thing I have come across that can actually showcase what happened to me at that moment:
My introversion entered the next phase when I stopped talking to anyone and everyone. I adopted silence. From people who did care and from the ones who pretended it well, I got a lot of “advice” on how to socialize. Some of them even termed me “oversensitive” but I chose to remain silent. I spent my days at home and cried and wrote as much as I could.
The havoc and turbulence that was going within led reality to fade away. Unconsciously, I was struggling with so many things that I couldn’t even pin down the problem.
When I was just trying to cope up, I heard the news. Jonghyun’s news hit me the hardest. I never related to anything more than his final letter. One particular statement of his summed up what I had been feeling all along,
“You tell me to figure out why I’m having a hard time. I told you several times why. Am I not allowed to be this sad just for those reasons? Does it have to be more specific and dramatic? Do I need to have better reasons? I already told you. Were you even listening?”
The incident was devastating and to think about the fact that a beautiful soul like him is no more amongst us is painful. I truly wish his soul to rest in peace.
The problem had always been in listening. When people listen what they wish to, they miss the point. The reason why I stopped seeking advice. Instead, I started speaking up.
So, as mentioned above, the first thing I did was to start speaking into the void. I did not speak for others to listen but to tell my own self what have I done. If there is someone who listens to me without judging, that’s me. There was a time when I used to write or talk to appease others but not anymore. From third character personas, I have transitioned the confessional mode and it feels liberating.
There are days when I am motivated enough to win the world but then there are times when I count my ability to breathe as an act of bravery. These phases of suffering and healing that I go through almost simultaneously and consecutively are tormenting but I guess I will have to overcome them to see the end of the tunnel.