Feelings

Admitting to feelings is alright.

For the longest time, I felt the need to deny what I wanted to accept because I was afraid that I would expose myself and show my weaknesses. With that, I realized that people will take it as an advantage in hopes to better their lives and not consider what was once something they cared about. This may all sound confusing but hopefully, at the end of this, we can all find an answer within ourselves.

The Beginning

So, let’s just get this out of the way. I like this boy that may or may not somehow be hurting me. When I say hurting, I don’t mean anything physical at all and technically he hasn’t really done anything. The situation sadly involves him and it’s complicated yet stupid.

I think that it is best if we just get to the problem and not run around it. My somewhat of a close friend likes the same guy as me and I believe that I was the one who made this happen. Being the innocent, nice child I was trying to be, I thought it was a great idea to make a group chat consisting of us three.

At the time, it made sense to me because they had classes together and I wanted them to make new friends. I thought I was building up another strong trio that would last for a long time but boy was I wrong. At certain points of the beginning of their friendship, I forced them to talk to each other because they were both not the best at social interactions. All I wanted to do was help out but it just backfired.

After a bit, they realized that they were going to have summer school together. I was quite happy for them because I thought it would be a great bonding time. I remembered how they used to try to convince me to take summer school as well but I just couldn’t because to me, summer means being able to relax. If I’m being honest here, I kind of regret that decision just a bit because I feel like if I was there, I could stop whatever happened but at the same time, everything happens for a reason.

The Problem

Things didn’t get chaotic until after her birthday party. Everything kind of fell apart since then. After we had a great time at her birthday, she decided to drop the bomb when I got home. She told me she “had the slightest interest” in him. My first reaction/instinct was to laugh because inside of me I knew this was going to happen with how much I saw them spend time with each other and the amount of time she mentions him in our conversation, I knew.

Then, as I kept thinking about it, I started to freak out. At that point, I didn’t care about him or my feelings, I cared about our friendship. I tried to look at our friendship because I was truly afraid that something would get ruined so we tried to promise to each other that nothing was going to hurt it.

I think we broke that promise. I think I broke that promise.

As the weeks go by, things weren’t flowing as easy as they used to. It came to the point where it was one day of her suddenly asking me whether or not she should tell him that she likes him. Obviously, I knew her feelings were going to grow but to suddenly ask me was just, confusing. As she typed those words to me and as I was reading, I was ready to throw up. I guess you can say I was pretty shook.

More Problems

If you were wondering, she did tell him. He “respectfully declined”. Do I know what that actually means? Not really. It didn’t end there, though. Oh boy, it just keeps getting better. She has the audacity to tell me, that since he doesn’t like her anymore I “have an increased chance of him liking me back.”

Do you see what’s wrong with that sentence? If not, please go back and read it carefully, because everything that she said offended me. Never in a million years would I say that to her even if it was just a joke or to make me feel better. To me, when she sent me that message it meant that she saw me as a competition and that she implied that my chances were pretty low even before her confession.

I always use this scenario as an example because I think it describes what she said to me best. What she had said is basically as if someone is playing a basketball game and you tell them that they will win because the opponents moved from one bench to another. Someone, please tell me how that makes sense because ‘till this day, I cannot see it.

From then, I started getting a little more cautious of the things I told her. I used to tell her everything that happened between him and I. What our conversations were and the things he liked.

I feel incredibly stupid that I even encouraged her feelings for him. Even before she told me, I’ve told her that it would be okay if they had feelings for each other because I think great people deserve great people. I guess the saying is true, be careful what you wish for. (Technically I didn’t wish for that to happen but you get the idea).

Where’s The End?

After all that mess a bit, I felt like she didn’t act the same again and I saw parts that made me think about right now. People are overdramatic sometimes, I get it. I am too but with her, it got to the part where I knew it was affecting me.

I don’t do things for a boy. I don’t buy a $30 baseball hat, talk about a sport, or join a team for a boy. For her to even bring up that idea of me doing these things for a boy just makes me wonder how she sees me as a person. It hurts a lot. When you’re trying to find yourself and develop an interest but it gets blocked by this boy and suddenly he’s your “everything”, I’m not that person.

The things she has said or whatever she does, it just makes me think she doesn’t care about my feelings anymore when it comes to the situation. She used to tell me how bad she feels about all this but now, I don’t know.

I could see her from afar, showing her other friends a screenshot of their conversation. “I love you. Thank you.” It honestly makes me feel bad to have feelings for him even when I was the first person to develop them.

Somehow wherever this ends, I feel like I look like the bad person. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and bite down your tongue, but at times you can’t hold back. I did notice that I was a little meaner to her, but at the same time, I wasn’t trying to do that on purpose. It would be best this way that I continue to act like this because if I keep it in any longer, the explosion is going to be worse.

To Be Continued?

When you have feelings towards someone and that person makes you feel good, you don’t want to think of the pain they caused you. With this situation, I feel like whenever I think of him, she gets around somehow to me too. I don’t think I should be feeling bad that I like him and that I’m able to be around him. I feel the need to be cautious when I’m around him and her friends or her because they don’t know the story and I honestly just don’t want to look like the bad person.

I’ve tried to stop liking that boy for her and what has she done for me? At this point, I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing and I have tried my best to distance myself from my friend. I understand that people say to not let a boy get between a friendship but I feel like it’s also more than that.

Am I wrong to be taking these actions? I know that everything I did within the situation could’ve been dealt with better but I’m just confused on what I’m supposed to do.

Writing this clearly helped me clear my head just a bit because I’ve bottled this up for a while. Again, I honestly don’t know what to do and I wish that I could find my answer soon. I don’t know how to end a blog post so I’ll awkwardly leave now before I flop even more.

Whenever you start to question if letting people in will hurt you, look around. Life is about taking a step and finding a path. Don’t limit yourself towards something because it’s possible that you are limiting yourself too.

Admitting to feelings is good.

Written by Chali

Attempting to bring joy and happiness into everyones life with my writing. Follow me on Twitter! @ChaliWhali

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